Barney Doyle has a mystery on his hands—and his carpet. In this laugh-out-loud mini-case file, the self-styled sleuth investigates a domestic crime scene straight out of suburban noir: someone (or something) peed outside the master bedroom, and no one’s fessing up. With suspicious dogs, a loyal child, and a very skeptical wife, The Case of the Midnight Pee might just be the most entertaining unsolved crime you’ll read this year.
For years, my go-to insult for any detective I didn’t respect has been to say they “couldn’t solve a wet dog turd on the living room carpet.”
It’s such a fun insult. You are saying they are regarded so lowly as to be tasked with determining the source of a lump of dog poop, and also that they are so inept they are doomed to fail. Plus “turd” is in it, because the person is not even important enough to warrant a proper cuss word.
If there is a more satisfying way to malign the reputation of a detective, I haven’t heard it.
So you can imagine my shame as I sit on my own personal “who soiled the carpet” caper without a suspect in custody.
Desperate to solve this before my humiliation hits the media, I am opening my case file to the readers.
Please help me!
Incident Report
On Friday, October 17, 2025, at approximately 0455 hours, I, Barney Doyle, was traveling by foot from my bed to a pack of chocolate chip cookies concealed in the back of the kitchen cupboard.
While en route, I felt wetness on my bare foot just outside the threshold of the master bedroom. Disoriented by the darkness and the time of day, I did not immediately recognize the significance of the swampy carpet.
I continued to the kitchen where I consumed a perfectly reasonable number of cookies. On approximately cookie six, I became suspicious about my damp toes.
I returned to the floor outside of the master bedroom and observed an area of wetness approximately eight inches in diameter. The carpet had been dampened with a substance that I recognized from my training and experience as consistent in color, odor, and texture with a fluid commonly known as “pee pee.”
Because of budget constraints, no samples were taken for laboratory analysis.
A neighborhood canvas yielded no suspects, no eye-witnesses, and no surveillance video.
A sketch of the scene was included for reference:
Mrs. Doyle, age undetermined, residing in the master bedroom, provided the following information: Mrs. Doyle lives at the home with her nine-year-old son, Junior, and three wonderful dogs who she loves very much and would do anything to protect. Also residing at the home is Mrs. Doyle’s husband Barney, who is a generally decent man of questionable hygiene. Mrs. Doyle is certain that neither Junior nor the dogs would have urinated on the carpet. Mrs. Doyle was unaware of anybody who had a problem with the carpet or who would have wanted to cause problems in general. Mrs. Doyle claimed to have previously seen evidence in the master bathroom suggesting her husband was not the marksman he professed to be. Mrs. Doyle indicated that perhaps Barney Doyle urinated on the hallway carpet while attempting to hit the toilet. (Investigator note: ballistic analysis of the master bathroom revealed patterns inconsistent with the present crime.)
Junior Doyle, age 9, residing in his own bedroom unless he has a bad dream, provided the following information: Junior Doyle did not urinate on the carpet and did not know who did. Junior only learned about the crime that morning when he was woken by the sound of his father hopping on one foot and cursing. Junior indicated that at least one of the home’s three dogs might not be as wonderful as other witnesses have claimed. Junior offered several mutilated toys as evidence.
Winston, age 8, no fixed address, with a criminal history of escape and disorderly dog farts, provided the following information: Winston was asleep at the foot of the bed in the master bedroom dutifully protecting his family the entire night. Winston did not pee on the carpet and did not see who did. Winston loved the floor, where he frequently found delicious scraps from Junior’s meals, and he would never do anything to harm it. Winston admitted he used to occasionally pee on Mrs. Doyle’s rose bushes, but claimed he stopped after leaning in too closely and discovering thorns for the first time. Winston claimed the “white dog” was distracted by a squirrel when let out the previous night, and may not have emptied her bladder before bed.
Zadie, age 5, residing mostly on top of Barney Doyle, with a criminal history of shedding, drooling, suit-ruining, and bed-hogging, provided the following information: Zadie was asleep in the center of the master bed the entire night and could not have peed on the carpet. Both Barney and Mrs. Doyle could confirm her alibi, as they spent most of the night disrupting Zadie’s sleep with grumblings of “move over dog,” and “get off my blanket.” Zadie did not want to spread rumors, but examined the puddle and believed the size, smell, and taste of the pee matched the “little angry dog.”
Cybil, age 100 (approximate), residing wherever the hell she feels like, with a criminal history of biting old people, biting children, and biting priests, provided the following information: Cybil believed Barney Doyle peed on the carpet himself to frame her and she demanded an attorney. Cybil then tried to bite Barney Doyle’s hand and demanded a treat.
First reader with information leading to the arrest and conviction of a suspect will get a free copy of Reckless Speculation about Murder. And if I can distract Mrs. Doyle, perhaps an angry little terrier dog to sweeten the deal.
For those who didn’t solve the crime and would still like to read the book, grab it here… Reckless Speculation About Murder